nothing more than nothing

ah...so what now? i dont know what i wanna do.

i hate new year. i feel fat again. must start on my lil 1-meal-a-day habit. work starts 12th march. i heard results gonna be out on 15th. i wish i pass all and gets out of this godly lousily place. i need to pray hard.

work starts on 12th. so im gotta concentrate on work since 12th. maybe i will be quietly gone, maybe i will go full concentration on work, maybe i should jus stay around and pester u. i dont know.

oh my goodness i feel so stupid. i ordered so many things online and all i didnt put my door number. i gave block no and everything. i feel so dumb. haiz. slap me please. whats wrong with me?

oh my god. i finally can blog already. havent been able to blog thus not blogging for past few days. miss blogger to chat with. blogger had been my good friend already. lol

yesterday she finally came my house to bai nian. yay. so we played abit of games, ps2 and such. and then she goes off. sit for around 2-3 hours? cant exactly remember. then i send her to her nanny house for dinner for her mums bday,which is today.

now she is out having lunch with her mum. and they going to exchange the slippers later too. someone bought a slipper a size smaller. lol =X well its the same person that lock herself out of her house too LOL!

i dont know what more to do and what to ask for. i dont know what i want except one, which is to have u by my side. i am contented like this. aiya but dunno la. im a screwed up and i tink i jus screwed my life up and screwed her life up.

oh my god. i finally can blog already. havent been able to blog thus not blogging for past few days. miss blogger to chat with. blogger had been my good friend already. lol

yesterday she finally came my house to bai nian. yay. so we played abit of games, ps2 and such. and then she goes off. sit for around 2-3 hours? cant exactly remember. then i send her to her nanny house for dinner for her mums bday,which is today.

now she is out having lunch with her mum. and they going to exchange the slippers later too. someone bought a slipper a size smaller. lol =X well its the same person that lock herself out of her house too LOL!

i dont know what more to do and what to ask for. i dont know what i want except one, which is to have u by my side. i am contented like this. aiya but dunno la. im a screwed up and i tink i jus screwed my life up and screwed her life up.

Today had my FP paper. I didn’t know if im able to do it but crap, I just put all I know and all I got into it. There is one part whereby I got so angry. The answer jus keep changing everytime I key into the calculator. It drives me crazy

After my paper, I went over to her place and wanted to had dinner out. However that pig is asleep so I went over and see her sleep. Her lil baby sis cook dinner for us all so we ate the ultimo fried rice with lousy chili padi. Anyway it was edible, help me tell poing she rocks k? =) thanks for the dinner

Then after awhile, watch tv, chat a lil, tired already. Very tired le. Then took a cab home.
I miss her already, im sad to see her sad. i..im very lost. God please help. Take me to the light or throw me in the dark

this morning i went to fetch her to sch, eat a lil of mac and left, give her all the stuff and so. and then send her to school. after i send her, i studied a lil at mac of forum, hoping she would drop by for breakfast. she really did, quite happy to see her again.

after that i went SIM to do pmkt paper. not the best of paper and hopes for pass. hopefully will do

after that i met her at her house. she showed off her sexy back. anyway went for movie, den went clementi to eat dinner. the cheap jap store by kfc. pretty alright, then went to her area, walk around and so, then i send her home.

i hope she likes all the things i gave her. its a great day for me, i hope it is to u too.


well i still feel scared. i know u still aint mine. i dunno wad more can i do. im scared. im really scared. i dont wanna lose u.

good to see u moving on. u are moving on towards a good future, with a nice guy that likes u and u like. i know im not possible of being with u, maybe i dont deserve it anyway.

a nice guy with a nice girl. i hope u people can go as far as u can go. of cuz, i would still hope u are by me. i really hope. giving up on someone u love is tough, its real tough.

go on. live a good life and be happy. jus keep going forward with him. jus occassionally miss me a lil, tink of me a lil, and chat with me a lil, i shd be contented. love is hurting, letting go is killing me, but i have to. u are no longer mine, i cant control u anymore. bless u ppl

Rick Price
Heaven Knows

She's always on my mind
From the time I wake up,
Till I close my eyes.
She's everywhere I go
She's all I know.
And though she's so far away,
It just keeps getting stronger
everyday
And even now she's gone
I'm still holding on

So tell me, where do I start
'Coz it's breakin' my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Chorus:
Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
But only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope & pray
'Coz heaven knows.

My friends keep telling me
That if you really love her,
You've gotta set her free
And if she returns in time
I'll know she's mine

But tell me, where do I start
'Coz it's breakin' my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come back someday
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
But only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope & pray
'Coz heaven knows.
Why I live in despair
'Coz wide awake or dreamin',
I know she's never there
And all the time I act so brave,
I'm shakin' inside
Why does it hurt me so?

dear blogger.com, i got many things that i wanna say but i cant say. i cant do anything now. i say i will come back and blog on valentine day. but i still came back. i had cried in front of too many, i tink its enough. i should start crying to mr blogger.com

im left with 59 kg le. 1 more kg lower and i will be on par with my sec sch wait. 58 kg is it xD. 1 meal a day is the best diet. reduced frm 68 to 59, a 9 kg difference. lol. proud of it. i hate the looks of food now. i eat abit and im filled, though awhile ltr i will be hungry again. =S

i had think through le, and i know what i should do now.bye mr blogger.com. see u soon

after today's entry, or i should say, after this entry, this blog will be hibernated till valentines day. alright? thanks for reading folks

life couldnt be as worst. i received a msg that broke my heart. maybe not say break my heart, abit too exaggerating, but a msg that hurts me deeply

other than the msg, wad was said had an impact too.

anyway, dont drop by and ask me wad la. i had "selected" a few advisors already. the job applications had all been filled up. thank u for interest

after all these, my heart feel hurt, my eyes feel wet. i felt as though an 7" knife had been stabbed directly at my heart. at least 7", i dunno, cause its a knife that is invisible. u can only feel when u are stabbed

so..i drag my feets, my body home. i refused to take bus. i walk from penisular plaza home. i walk past the new shopping centre at Clarke Quay MRT. it wasnt exactly opened but there is a bikini shop there. so i msged her to go and have a look with her friend whom had fetched her after her guitar lesson. how sweet.

its always nice to have people picking u up, and sending u home

along the way back, couples are all over. small kids, young adults, old citizens. how deep are their love? ahh..a sudden jealousy and heartache drop by to visit me again. where is my old gf? where is the owner of my heart? there is no co-ownership, its a sole owner situation.

when i walk home, i think alot. alot. i dont know what more i can do to prove my sincerity, my love. people tell me, use time to show. by the time when time is on my side, she might have been by others side.

she dont understand. she tink i hate the feeling of defeat thus i want her back. im pretty sad when i heard that. my tears almost come dwn when im in the MRT. i never knew that i had displayed myself as such a person. wad kinda person am i? how much more can i take? i feel like on the verge to going crazy or wad.

so what now? valentines gift is almost ready. i had got 90% ready. enough effort inside? i believe i did put, but i wondered if it will be sensed. the gifts are 90%, i am near to 0%. where had my confidence gone? my prides are swollen, my tears had dropped. will i be the next to drop?

and im surprised. yesterday i took a single meal for entire day. today, im taking no meal. the only food i ate was, a macdonald sundae, a chocolate one. is it sweet? is it bittle? i cant really taste. i spend my last few coins on it. sweet sweet lunch of mine to last till dinner.

thats all people. thank u

i wish to get her out on vday. i needed that vday to prove to her. will she gimme the vday?

haiz..if only time will goes back..i regretted..i really do..

i hope u really give me a chance..

i dunno why im back here. i feel like saying so much, proving so much, showing u so much. i wanna show u how much i care for u, prove u how much i love u, and tell u all i can do for u. things are not the same as the past, i know that. i need to let u know all this. i cant bear for u to leave. u had formed part of me, like my arms or legs. u are part of my life, and a routine and everything. i wanna let u know all this. how can i let u know?

"in my heart, i can no longer hold inside
all of the love i used to hide
i'd always be with u until the very end
in this world, there is no place i could ever be
u are my life, my soul, my girl
and through it all, i know u'll come to see
that you're the one....till the end?

haiz. i think im too stressed up recently. im sorry i lost myself just now. i think im losing it already. haiz. but u know the reason why it happened that way, u know them. i felt like so useless again. i feel like this all the time. never is bp as strong as he used to be. he is not the same guy anymore. he cant stand anymore. nevermind. i still have one last shot, valentine's day.

u people know me? who am i that u know of? do i mean anything to u ppl? i dont think yea? im an irritating fucked up piece of shit. leave me alone. dont talk to me

fuck EC

hi babe, i got a song for u. hope u like

lets see how much i need to pass (approximately)...

AFA

common test - 7.5% of 15%
project - 10% of 15%
class participation - 5% of 10%

total - 22.5% , required - 27.5% of 60% , also means 46 marks.

I CAN DO IT!

EC

week4 preparation - 3% of 5%
elearning - 0% of 5% (undone)
common test - 14% of 20%
project - 10% of 20%
class participation - 5% of 10%

total - 32%, required - 18% of 40%, also means 45 marks

I HOPE TO DO IT

PMKT

class participation - 5% of 10%
common test - 9% of 20%
project - 13% of 20%

total - 27%, required - 23% of 50%, also means 46 marks

I PRAY TO DO IT

FP

project - 18% of 25%
common test - 0% of 0% (NO COMMON TEST)
class participation - 5% of 10%
elearning - 0% of 5%

total - 23%, required - 27% of 60%, also means 45 marks

WHAT THE FUCK?!

___________________

as u can see, all i need just a pass for exam..zz.. thats bullshit la.. i wish to do well tomorrow. i tink i had practised quite abit and for quite awhile, shouldnt hurt so much.

as for the rest, AMEN! i didnt read a single dang of it. zz.

but for now, AFA AFA AFA AFA AFA AFA AFA AFA AFA AFA!!!

hi barbara. how are u today? =D. i miss u. im planning to meet u either tml or sat. wondering if u are free to do so too. and also, wondering if u wanna do so. i miss u so. hope to see u soon =). wish me luck too alright? ur wishing is 10,000,000 times more powerful than others!

today i had planned to go school to study more on AFA. consolidation's journal entries and a lil on cash flow is still getting on me. still abit more to go. had done papers a few time. its gonna be all right SOON! to make it all right, im going for the remedial lesson tomorrow morning at 10

so today i went sch to study, reach at 1, study till 4+ then ray come. after he come, there go my concentration. lol. was browsing youtube and stuff, doing my lil art & craft again, den i grew hungry =S. went to eat and so, play a lil computer and chat around, then we went back. on the way back, IM HUNGRY AGAIN! so i ate again when im home. lol

tomorrow i mus study. i know u would wanna watch with me if u are allowed to. its ok. =). i miss u and i love u. take care kaes?

slurps


the chicken wings


the cute girl


and her shirt



today morning i woke up, i msg her. she told me at 1010 that there is a fire breaking out at her school de building. im so worried so immediately change get ready and left at 1030. took bus there, then she was having breakfast due to the "break". so they ate breakfast at forum mac. i was outside the mac but i didnt saw her, maybe i didnt expect her to be with indian or i didn expect her to sit so inside. lol. anyway then she went back sch, then her lecturer fainted. she was a lil tramatised but im glad she is fine now. then we went with her friends at borders. OH GOD THEY SPEND A LONG TIME IN IT! i wore singlet, shorts, and slipper and i feel so cold. brrrr. then after they are done and she bought some stuff, we went to have lunch at Food Republic, then we walk around town and so, before i sent her home.

after i send her home, i went to my "art&craft" lesson. its tough and its pissing me off. i tink i done 6 already, but way to go! damn, its not GOOD! its driving me mad.

PATIENCE! PATIENCE IS GOLD! everything will be gold if im with u. i learn typing like this from u! =D



didnt give u songs recently, jus another chinese song for u to listen to before u listen to the hush sounds again:

http://www.musicpig.cn/wma/A/20068315915000/59192625.wma

oh, anyway i got 2 job considers for post grad. one, to return to pkh, my itp company and chiong midnight again. two, to join sam, my ex pkh colleague to his co and chiong with him.

i tink i will go with PKH to do WGS as temp staff and zao to sam's company after im done. am i over exerting myself? i hope not, i still wish for time to be with u too. i wan to spend my time with u. there are still many places to go. the list are as below:

1> zoo
2> night safari
3> bird park
4> sentosa (after she gets her bikini)
5> discovery center
6> snow city
7> mount faber / cable car
8> escape theme park / wild wild wet

i need a calendar to plan. i need money to pay too. i need her to be with me so i will enjoy too

i had went out today! I WENT OUT TODAY! I WENT OUT TODAY!!

im so happy. so so happy. SO SO SO HAPPY! but still, i hope she can be happier. i can see her thinking, quite often. but i believe its nice.

i picked her up, den we went chinatown, walked the entire day. we walked, shopped, played, ate, drank, chat, and i had fun. i enjoy stuff like this with her, hadnt do so after so long, hope more to come.

ah..i had a nice day..i hope u do too. enjoy the flower spinning.

some lil pics of todays events:

the flower store


the flowers


her henna-ed hand

am i a guy? i dont seem to understand guys thinking, mentality, and behaviour anymore. am i still a guy? or had i grew to be a man? or had i remained as a boy? or my mind had changed as though i had gone through a sex change?

i dont understand guys thinking anymore..will a guy definitely talk to girls when they have nothing to do online? wad makes a guy feel so gay talking to a guy? i had been talking to some guys online recently, because i dont feel like chatting with the girls online? not all actually, some i do talk to but we dont talk long, neither do i go around talking to attached people bout much stuff. seldom la, i dont feel comfortable. im afraid. u see, i dont erm, see a point in doing so, and i scared ppl might misunderstand. u ppl got it?

i had been thinking. wad i hated ppl to do, had i been doing it? i hope i didnt, and i think i didnt exactly do as they did too. some tings are jus too extreme for people to do, for a good guy like me to do. am i really as good as it seems? or am i jus a hypocrite? am i a hypocrite? wad makes a hypocrite and wad makes a gentleman? wad defines a gentleman and wad defines a lover? wad a lover do a gentleman doesnt? how to be a lover and a gentleman? is it possible to be a lover and a gentleman?

k, i think i feel like talking more bout this. i really dunno who am i, where to classify myself. i need assistance. and definitely, if i can mind read, i would like to have the skill. should i go pick up a skill or 2 on hypnotisation? it can make me realise facts, facts that i didnt know, that i tink i know but didnt, facts that i can never imagine. i nv know wad kinda person i am to others. am i being a friendly guy? a good guy? a bastard guy? a pretty irritating one? or would they classify me as a good friend or a bad friend, a good influence or a bad influence.

i really wish to ask, am i a good boyfriend? had i been more of a boyfriend or a friend to u? had i not portrait myself appropriately? had i been unreasonable? mm unwilling to change? or had i been not giving enough, not giving yet wanna take? i wanna know all my weakness. if some one out there see this post and had any comments, pls tell me on msn. i will be more than happy to know my weaknesses. the goods could be faked, but i tink the weaknesses cant be. once u revealed it, thats it, u will be rmbed for that forever. however, no one will rmb ur good. when no one know of your good, is it because u had no good? or too little? or being forgo-ed?

i dont understand human beings. humans ah. wad are u ppl tinking? if i dont understand humans mentality, am i still classifed under humans or r-tard?

had been working on many things recently, so many, so concentrated. im surprised. im studying, im doing hard in some stuffs, and im learning new handicrafts (though i had failed, but it will not fail me). im working hard. had it been seen? lets jus pray for

AH!! SINGAPORE TO LIFT THE ASEAN CUP!!

so? aint really bothered isnt it? i wasnt that proud of compared to the previous time whereby the pure singaporeans won. but aas long as the Singapore team likes it, we should too. not really into the singapore football anyway

so today i went to ym hs for a lil mahjong. he jus wanna try out his new tiles. the new tiles aint those lucking tiles. we both lost in the first round. in the end, this is the final result

ty: +7
ym: +8
bb: +1
bp: count for yourself. im the sole loser

lady luck isnt with me today. i tried doing some cool stuff in the noon but i fail..damn it..turn to alternatives, yet i need help. I NEED HELP!

barbara, i dunno if i exactly know wad u are tinking, but perhaps one of which is that i had nv appreciated those chances given to me. i had grew to understand them lately. u had told me its too late, it will nv be too late if u still try your best, at least thats wad i tink.

other reasons, will be my behaviour and attitude i believe. these, just gimme the last attempt, to show u. u say u can see the difference now, u said that isnt it? lets just try and make it work. im sure it will work this time.

hais..a song for u, my lady

http://ld.24024.com/UploadFile/200607270359591008092218.mp3

ARGH..! ARGH.....!

i feeel miserable! the "baby" inside my stomach is still kicing..argh...!

A R G H ~ ~ ~ ~ ~!

song for u =)

http://spdc.shnu.edu.cn/1000080972/ZHEYIMIAOWOKULE.mp3

last night, my stomach was bloated like crazy. i believe its due to the 2 egg prata i ate for lunch. i didnt eat or drink anything more than those 2 tings. it turn my day upside down. aft the lousy FP revision lecture, i was eating lor the prata. then after which i go over to lib 5th level to study. climb so high and hopefully is quiet and idael to study. when im done with a paper and wondering if i should do a second paper, a group of guys came and they are so noisy. so i decided its time i go back

so when im back, using the com, i feel so sick. a fever is running inside, headache knocking on me, every piece of muscle aching and i feel pregnant. then i still have to take dinner cuz i have to take la. its a routine wad. then i didnt manage to eat finish. its killing me. then i drank ginger Eno, toOk panadol and everything. terrible

so..after chatting and asking and learning as much, i learn more bout this. so im kinda..sad? well well, wads with being sad alone right? jus hold on and see. i slpt early, due to the "baby" within. i woke up at 3 to shit, and i woke up again @ 6 to shit. lastly, i woke up at 10 attempting to shit but i failed. its stil slightly bloated, but not as terrible. wanna skip lunch, but my parents will sure ask me to eat. haiz..

SAVE ME. KILL ME!

song for u again

http://218.28.64.181/music/jqhg/music/12.wma

i seriously dunno wad shd i do now, questions popped again. she is single now, at least for now, but will she be for me? is that the case? or is it not? i had been scolded last nite, by a idiot who scold me idiot. do u tink im a idiot? i think im an idiot now.

is waiting an alternative?

once again, another song for u

http://202.100.82.72:83/mp3/e/Energy/XinRenLei/9.mp3

well, there are tings that i hope for for today but didnt happen. was out somewhere studying waiting for things to happen. obviously it didnt. was pretty disappointed, of the result and things resulting to the result.

i had cancelled a meeting tml. i wonder if its right. god. tell me

day 13

oh, song for u today. for u:


http://132data.86hao.com/play/Wl/04.wma

days waited: 12

i had been tinking. does violent solve tings?i had consulted ppl, they say no. i believe so after awhile. violence doesnt solve anything, they create more in fact. i had to be sensible. i shall not result to violence. its just, not me. as i had always said, IM A PEACE LOVER =)

anyway, today went to play ball in sch. hadnt been enjoying tings though im laughing. den we wash in sch, den went to watch soccer at kallang stadium. first time watched live. i miss her, i would want to bring her along if she is stil with me. i miss her so. anyway singapore won 2-1 despite playing like shit in second half. its thank to a doubtful penalty. thais are behaving quite loser. no offence, but in that game, the players did behave so.

walked to esplanade from kallang, miss walking with her, singing her song. along the way, i try to put tings in a piece. there are still many missing piece, and each hurts and cut into my heart. its hurting, but im risking. im gonna wait, hopefullly till a day, we are back tgt, or till i drop.